O sleep, where art thou?

So I laid down about 2 and 1/2 hours ago and I know it I didn’t get to sleep until well after 7am because I got a couple likes and a follow around then and I checked it on my mobile phone. So I only got about 1 and 1/2 hours of sleep, in which I had a rollicking good nightmare; the only thing I can remember from it is stuffing some cake down a fat lady’s throat and telling her to get over it. I remember being livid in the dream because people didn’t understand me and were making zero attempt to do so.

So it’s 8:30 am now, I’m tired as fuck and I don’t know if I’ll be able to sleep when I lay down again…oh the fun times.

So I was talking to a buddy the other day who was over in the sandbox for a while and he was talking about somebody fucking with his vehicle. Immediately, he said, he had to check all around it, under it, etc for bombs. He went into high alert, called the police, etc. It turns out that one of his friends had flipped up the windshield wiper, that was all. To a normal person his reaction might have seen completely unjustified…I mean really, all that had happened was one of his windshield wipers had been flipped up. But I understand the kind of thinking that happens in this situation.

I’m guessing the first thing that goes though your head in a situation like that is, Why? Why was my vehicle messed with in all of these in this particular parking lot. Now if it was me, I wouldn’t have started thinking of a bomb…I have no reason to do that…but then again, I was never overseas. I would have started wondering who was trying to fuck with my head and what was it that they wanted…but the truth is that neither one of them would have been the truth. The truth is that one of his friends saw his truck and wanted to play a little ‘harmless’ prank on him. No big deal.

That’s the kind of thing that I have to deal with on a relationship level, and that’s a whole lot harder to recognize, understand and deal with. For my buddy it’s as simple as finding out that one of his friends had played a joke on him and then he knew that it wasn’t really a threat, and that his mind brought him to that place. For me, it’s a lot different. For me I’ll just suddenly and randomly get upset or angry or depressed and there is no apparent reason. Last night it was because my wife said she didn’t think I should bring the camera over to our friends house. I asked her why, and she said she thought it would make our friends uncomfortable if I was taking pictures of their mounts. (He’s a bit of a hunter and has some really cool mounts hanging up at his place.) I had mentioned something about maybe photographing a few of them, and had just finished getting the camera bag packed up.

To me it felt like she had just told me that she’s embarrassed by me bringing the camera with me. I guess I have no grounds to judge if she was right or not, my brain doesn’t work right, so I can’t really trust what I think anyway. It hurt. It felt like she was telling me I was the embarrassment. I don’t know if that’s what she meant or not, it doesn’t matter now. The fact that I’m awake after an hour and a half of sleep with nightmares is what matters to me now…and I can’t seem to warm up…that kind of matters to me a bit at the moment.

The fact is, it just doesn’t matter if she was right and I would be an embarrassment or not…I still feel the way I feel, and I’m still awake and my life still sucks. I can’t help but wonder how more of this she can take before she hits her breaking point. Everyone has one, I’m just worried that my sanity lies somewhere beyond that line.